Everybody Has A Problem
by JustInunotaisho
Summary: Karoke therapy gone awry. Wait, what? FMA, Inuyasha, FFVII, Cowboy Bebop, Naruto, and whoever else I’m in the mood to annoy. I don’t own any characters. [Songfic][Songfic][Songfic][etc.] ON HIATUS!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their respective works.

"What the #(( we doin' here?"

A well-muscled, dark-skinned man vaulted over the back of the seat and into the chair. It squeaked under his considerable weight as he shifted to get comfortable. He glared up at the empty lit stage, flexing his metal hand. His two friends, a blond swordsman and a brunette with melting brown eyes sat down next to him. True, it is a stereotypical way to describe a girl this way, but anyone who met Tifa Lockhart would agree that the first thing they noticed about her was her soft gaze.

They would also agree that Cloud was short and that impressed upon observers the size of the sword across his back. How he could sit down with it on caused the other arrivals to scratch their heads for a split second, then shrug. The woman sitting on his other side didn't think that much of it, merely taking a large draw on her cigarette and leaning her chin artfully on a slender hand as she scrutinized him out of the corner of one green eye.

"Can I help you?"

Though she was surprised at being caught staring, Faye Valentine covered it well. Turning to face him fully, she met Cloud's blue eyes. _Whoa…this one is handsome…_ "That depends. Who are you?"

"Cloud Strife, from _Final Fantasy VII_."

"Faye Valentine from _Cowboy Bebop_," she introduced herself, taking his hand. She held it for a bit longer than was necessary, judging by the direct stare she received from the girl on his other side.

"Tifa Lockhart, same as him." Brown eyes clashed with green over the hapless Cloud as Tifa shook Faye's hand, half smiling. Her gaze could be compared to a lion staring down another about to encroach upon its territory.

The door at the back of the auditorium banged open, interrupting their silent showdown. An ominous wind swept throughout the room, thunder crashed and lightning cracked, the sudden light revealing two silhouettes standing in the doorway.

Biting off a curse, the dark-skinned man raised his metal hand. Various joints and pistons clicked together, transforming it into a large gun. Tifa put a conciliatory hand on it. "Easy, Barrett. They're ominous but from a different place."

"# villains and their # ominous entrances," muttered Barrett, lowering his gun-arm with some reluctance. He glared at the two as they came into the light, revealing a tall, dark-haired young man, twin scars slanting from either side of the bridge of his nose toward the back of his jaw. Beside him walked a younger-looking man who was probably his brother, given how much they looked alike. Indeed, Barrett nodded in recognition. "Oh. Them. The brothers Uchiha from _Naruto_."

Another figure, shoulders slumped in depression, entered behind them. He had long hair down to his waist with two braids simply tied in front of his ears. On his right hand and leg, bandages wound their way around his skin. When he looked up, Faye immediately recognized his pure silver eyes. "What the- what's Neji doing here?" she muttered half-aloud.

"That's Hyuga Neji?" Cloud's brow furrowed. "I thought he was too hoighty-toighty to come here…"

"Betcha it's girl trouble." Barrett shrugged and glared at the Uchiha brothers who sat in a darkened corner not too far away. "When's this # thing gonna start, Tifa?!" he demanded.

"The flyer said 7 and it's only 6:45."

"The #(( we come early, then?!"

Tifa rolled her eyes, about to reply when the door creaked open once more, to reveal –

"FELLOW ANIME COMRADES! OHAIYO! IT IS MY GREATEST PLEASURE TO BE PRESENT AT THIS EVENT!"

A/N: Can anyone guess who the guy is? Find out in the next installment! Meanwhile, how about a review or two?


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I don't own anybody in here.

"FELLOW ANIME COMRADES! OHAIYO! IT IS MY GREATEST PLEASURE TO BE PRESENT AT THIS EVENT!"

When Faye's eyes adjusted to the blinding light, she made out the figure of an enormous six-foot seven man, extremely ripped, bald but for a tuft of hair overhanging his forehead and a blond moustache. Around his face, little pink sparkles danced around his face while chimes sounded in the background. Her resultant groan matched the others' as she recognized the new arrival as Major Armstrong and his long-suffering entourage.

"Geeze, Major, cool the enthusiasm…" grumbled Edward Elric as he slouched in and threw himself into a chair in the row behind Faye. His brother Alphonse and his friend Winry came in also, the blond girl catching sight of Barrett and letting out a loud squeal. She bolted over and began badgering him about his arm, commenting on all the intricate workings and jabbering over the craftsmanship.

"What?! I thought there was going to be ramen here!" As they entered, Naruto and Inuyasha exchanged glances. "Who the heck are you?" They demanded at the exact same time once more.

The short blond shinobi glared up at the silver-haired hanyou, answering first, "Uzumaki Naruto and don't forget it!"

"Keh." Shoving his hands up his long sleeves, the hanyou glared over his shoulder at a schoolgirl with shimmering black hair. "Hurry up, will you?" He strode toward the stage, grumbling. Naruto followed.

"Ano…d-did we d-do s-something wrong?"

Kagome brushed her hair out of her eyes, smiling at the shy silver-eyed girl next to her. "No, no. He's pretty much always like this. Once you get to know him, he'll never stop being your friend. By the way," she bowed politely. "I'm Higurashi Kagome."

"H-hyuga Hinata." The girl returned the bow. "I'm on _Naruto-kun_." The double meaning made her face turn scarlet. "I-I mean, I'm on _N-naruto_. Er, th-that is - …"

With an encouraging smile, Kagome patted her on the shoulder. "I understand. He's quite cute, isn't he?"

"H-hai…" Hinata blushed even more. "I th-think we'd better t-take our seats. It's 6:55."

The impatient Inuyasha perched on the back of a seat, looking grumpy. Finally, he stood up and hopped onto the stage. "All right!" he shouted, a defiant expression in place. The auditorium fell silent as everybody turned their heads. Even Faye stopped entertaining thoughts of a shirtless Cloud to pay some semblance of attention. "I was dragged here by Kagome." He held up a flyer that read:

Have a problem? Feeling depressed? Come to the Statler and Waldorf Auditorium for free experimental therapy. Confidentiality guaranteed. Starts: 7pm.

"Lemme just make one thing clear. I. Don't. Have. A. Problem. Got it?! I'm all right, so don't think I'm here because I need to be." He leaped off the stage.

"Yeah, right, sure." A new voice snorted. From behind the curtain on the stage walked a man, clad in chainmail and dark-colored clothes and wheeling a medium-sized black object out on a trolley, an extension cord trailing behind. He stopped at the center of the stage and plugged the cord in. That accomplished, he straightened up, brushing his long hair out of his eyes.

Faye's eyebrow twitched and her breath caught. _Wait a minute – I recognize him…_

"Who the #(( are you?" demanded Barrett.

"Don't ask-" Faye warned.

Too late. Throwing back his cloak, the man drew a long sword that glittered in the theater lights. "Elendil!" he cried. "I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and am called Elessar, the Elfstone, Du-"

"The Deranged, Derogatory, He-Who-Waves-Pointy-Sword-Oh-So-Bleedin-Dramatically-ad-infinitum," finished a dry voice. Another figure strode out from back stage and unhooded his face. Faye's breath caught, all thoughts of Cloud banished from her mind as she regarded this new arrival.

Long, flowing straits of amber hair came down to broad shoulders after diverting around pointed ears. His eyes radiated pure handsomeness (or at least to Faye and all the women in the room), and his brow defined the word "alabaster."

Aragorn glared at him. "Do you mind, Legolas? This is one of my better dramatic bits."

"Look, you already said that in the real version of Lord of the Rings. Anymore here would be utter plagarism." The elf prince rolled his eyes, sending a delicious tremor up Faye's spine as he turned to look down at the rest of them.

"But not in the movie!" protested the king of Gondor. "Good grief. If Tolkein was alive today, he'd drop dead from the-" here, he affected a sullen mutter. "-'I'm Aragorn,sonofArathorn. WearefriendsofRohanandofTheodenyourking' boo rot from Mortensen…"

Casting his gaze ceilingward once more, Legolas appeared to chew on his tongue for a moment. "We are gathered here," he began, choosing to ignore the grumblings behind him for the present. "To render aid to one another and generally buck each other up, correct?" He asked, glancing around the theater to see a general nodding of heads, a confused look from Naruto, a sullen glare from Inuyasha, and a flirtatious wink from Faye. "Now-"

"YES, MY FRIEND ELF! I WILL ASSIST WITH THE PSYCHOLOGY TECHNIQUES PASSED DOWN THROUGH MY FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS!" A flurry of sparkles and a background of thatched diamonds announced wholehearted agreement from a certain Major Armstrong.

Blinking to clear his vision, the Elf coughed slightly. "Ah, yes. Thank you. Put your shirt back on, please."

Naruto exchanged mortified looks with Hinata. "Good grief," the blond shinobi whispered to her. "He's as bad as Fuzzy Brows minus the lizard suit…"

Hinata giggled, the blush returning. Naruto wondered again why she always did that.

"If I may continue…" Legolas cast a hard glance in the direction of the two shinobi. "Karoke has been found to increase social interaction, so-"

"Social interaction?" interrupted Inuyasha, looking dazed. "What's that?"

Kagome shushed him. "It's how well you deal with other people," she explained.

"_So_, Aragorn and I recently concluded a study of the respective video games, television programs, and movies in which you all starred. A lot of you have a problem in common. Can anyone tell me what that is?" Legolas looked around, eyebrows raised.

Naruto waved his hand. "Not enough ramen?" he guessed.

"No…"

Another supernova of sparkles lit the theater. "I APOLOGIZE MOST DEEPLY, FELLOW COMRADES OF ANIME AND FICTION! I REALIZE THAT, WHILE SKILLED IN MANY AREAS, I CANNOT BE IN ALL WORLDS AT ONCE AND LEND MY HUMBLE ASSISTANCE WHERE NEEDED!"

"What _are_ you going on about?" grumbled Edward Elrick as he slid lower into his chair. His brother Al let out an echoey _heh-heh_ and scratched the back of his armored neck. Winry continued tinkering on Barrett's mechanical arm; the gunman looked increasingly worried.

"Thank you for your…_concern…_Major, but you are incorrect. Yes, Inuyasha?"

The hanyou put his hand down. "Too many snot-nosed kids around?"

Legolas was about to say no, when a "NAAANIIIII?!" from Naruto split the air. Ignoring Hinata's protests, the blond shinobi leaped over to Inuyasha's side and glared up at the half-demon who snarled back. "You wanna repeat that, teme?!"

"Keh!" Inuyasha dealt him a hefty whack on the head like he did so often with Shippo and nearly fell off the back of the chair in surprise when Naruto yelled, "Kage Bunshin no jutsu!" A couple dozen clones of the shinobi surrounded Inuyasha who recovered and drew the sword at his side. "KAZE NO KI-"

"OSUWARI!"

WHAM! Inuyasha did a face plant, the enchanted rosary pulling him down. After sticking their tongues out at the KO'd hanyou, the Naruto clones disappeared.

"Thank you, Miss Higurashi. Now, does anyone else have a guess?" Legolas continued as though nothing happened.

Faye raised her hand. "Manga writers extending the storyline to wring as much money as possible from the series before they end it?"

"That does not happen to _every_ anime and, yes, it is annoying, but you are still not correct." Legolas crossed his arms. "The recurring problem you all possess is _lack of communication._" With a smirk, he closed his eyes, waiting for the collective realization to hit. After thirty seconds, he cracked an eye and wondered if he'd woken up in a Blank Stare Contest.

Aragorn struggled to conceal his derogatory snigger and patted the elf on the back. "Why don't I try explaining, okay?" Leaving Legolas to sulk off to one side, the king of Gondor strode to the end of the stage and reached out to Tifa Lockhart. "My lady? Would you come up here, please?"

Blushing, she stood, took his hand and climbed up on stage. He released her hand and she watched as he set up the karoke and began flipping through the songs. When Aragorn came to the one he wanted, he punched play and gave her the microphone. "Sing, Miss Lockhart."

As she looked the song title, Tifa understood and blushed even more. The guitar intro to _Love Song _by Tesla began and her dark-brandy eyes flicked down to Cloud in the front row. _Good grief,_ she thought._ Aragorn's brilliant!_ Raising the microphone, she began to sing.

**So you think that it's over, say your love has finally reached the end  
Any time you call, night or day, I'll be right there for you  
If you need a friend **

It's gonna take a little time, I know, time is sure to mend your broken heart  
But don't you even worry, pretty darlin, 'cos I know you'll find love again

Cloud's expression cleared as she continued to sing. It appeared as though he finally understood what Legolas was going on about.

Love is all around you, love is knockin' outside your door  
Waitin' for you is this love made just for two  
Keep an open heart and you'll find love again, I know

Love is all around you, yeah yeah, love is knockin' outside your door  
Waitin' for you is this love made just for two  
Keep an open heart and you'll find love again, I know

Tifa's blush went away as she stared down at Cloud, into the deep recesses of his crystal-blue eyes, forgetting all others in the room, even as Armstrong sniffed and nearly caused an earthquake blowing his nose.

It's all around  
It's all around

Love will find a way - darlin', love is gonna find a way  
Find its way back to you  
Love will find a way - so look around, open your eyes  
Love is gonna find a way - love is gonna, love is gonna  
Love is gonna, love is gonna find a way, yeah  
Love will find a way - love is gonna find a way back to you, yeah yeah yeah

A smoke ring curled its way up to the ceiling. Faye leaned her chin on her hand again, a smirk on her face. _Well, looks like Cloud and I are a lost cause._

**  
Love will find a way - darlin', love is gonna find a way  
Find its way back to you  
Love will find a way - oh just look around, look around  
Open up your eyes now, honey  
Love is gonna find a way - love is gonna, love is gonna  
Love is gonna, love is gonna find a way, yeah  
Love will find a way - love is gonna find a way back to you, yeah, I know  
**

As the song finished, Tifa set the microphone back down on the machine. Before she could walk off stage, the blond swordsman was up the stairs. A startled yelp had scarcely left her lips when his arms encircled her in a gentle embrace. "Tifa…" he whispered. "I'm so sorry. Sorry for being a recluse after Aeris died. Sorry for leaving you when you needed me most. Sorry for not realizing how much you mean to me."

Chuckling, Tifa smiled and leaned into his hug. "It's all right, Cloud."

They left the stage. Legolas made a little tick mark on a list he pulled from his pocket. "All right…Tifa x Cloud…check. Aragorn, would you go and untie Gimli? Now that that's over with, he won't try to disrupt things."

Aragorn snorted. "Ah, so he was an Aeris and Cloud fan, eh?"

"Quite." Turning to face the audience, Legolas put the list away. "And now for our next patient…"

Who will it be? What crazy funtimes will ensue? Don't leave the room. Just leave a review!


End file.
